"Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is unique in that it not only helps couples re-connect,
but enables them to fall in love again" - Sue Johnson, PhD.

WHAT IS EMOTIONALLY FOCUSED COUPLES THERAPY (EFT)?

EFT is a short term (8 to 30 sessions), structured approach to couples and relationship therapy formulated in the early 80’s by Drs. Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg. EFT has been validated by 20 years of empirical research and is approved by the American Psychology Association. These research studies found that 70 to 75% of couples move from distress to recovery and approximately 90% showed significant improvements. 

EFT is one of the few therapies that help couples renew feelings of love and connection with Family and Couples counseling. EFT is effective in helping couples build trust, communicate clearly, and resolve conflict. EFT focuses on helping couples develop the tools necessary to express needs and desires safely. Couples can learn to trust that their partner is available to hear what they’re feeling, and respond in a way that is constructive and loving.

The biggest difference between EFT and other forms of therapy is EFT will actually help you and your partner or family truly care for each other again. It helps you connect in a secure and positive way that can only improve your relationship.

Feeling love for each other again is fostered by strengthening your attachment to each other. Strong attachment bonds lead you and your partner or family to feeling safe together and knowing you are the most important person in each other’s lives. EFT strengthens these bonds by allowing you to open up to each other again in a safe and secure environment.

In a sense, EFT is almost like rewiring the way you approach and engage in your relationships as a couple or family. EFT gives you the tools to recognize and then ask for what you really need in a relationship. It helps you reconstruct how you and your partner or family connect on an emotional level, which helps you establish deeper trust and understanding.

What To Expect during counseling

The therapeutic process in couples counselling involves first meeting with the couple for a session or two, so that I can develop an understanding of what is bringing you into therapy, and how I can best work with you. During the first few counselling sessions  we will explore your relationship patterns including; communication, how conflict is dealt with, how conflict is healed, the ways you each express love to each other, and more. This is followed with each person meeting individually with me for a session or two, which often speeds the time it takes to heal the relationship, and is helpful for me to gain each individual's perspective on the relationship. I then meet with you as a couple where I will share my overall observations and we will begin to address your presenting issues. Couples counselling sessions usually last fifty minutes to an hour and twenty minutes. 

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT COUPLES COUNSELING:

1) What happens in marriage counseling?

In marriage counseling, both partners are given the chance to share their concerns and perceptions of the marriage. Spouses are asked to respectfully listen to each other and attempt to understand what concerns their partner has. Marriage counseling focuses on rebuilding the marriage and has a very positive, future focus. In order for marriage counseling to be helpful, however, both partners must want to participate and want to rebuild the marriage.

2) What if I want marriage counseling but my spouse is unwilling to come?

The first step is to come by yourself for an individual session.  In this session, we can talk about your marital issues and discuss your options for counseling with your spouse.  It is not uncommon for a spouse to join in on the sessions at a later time.  However, even if he/she refuses to come, you can still change the dynamics of your relationship simply by making changes in the way you respond and react to your spouse.  Thus, you will bring about changes in the relationship by addressing your own issues and making personal progress.  

3) When is it too late (or too early) for marriage counseling?

Ideally, it would be great if every couple went through counseling to maintain the quality of their relationship.  A marriage is like a garden; it requires regular tending, work, and attention to keep it growing in a healthy way.  If it is not routinely maintained, the marital “weeds” will sneak up and spoil the garden of your marriage.  It is best to come in even when things seem to be going well, in order to polish up your communication skills, work through unresolved issues, understand each other better, etc.  

4) Do you choose sides in marriage therapy?

Many couple worry about this and come into therapy wondering whose side the counselor will choose. Luckily, marriage counseling is not about sides.  It is not helpful if I play the role of a referee, making a call on who is right and wrong.  What matters most is your communication style, understanding of each other, and taking personal responsibility for your own issues.  The ultimate counseling goal is to move toward working on the “side” of the marriage relationship.

5) My spouse thinks I’m the one with the problem, but I see it the other way around.  Is it even worth us coming?

Yes, it is worth it.  Marriage counseling can provide an avenue of change for your relationship.   Having a professional counselor involved in the issue can change the dynamic between the two of you and how you perceive the problems.

6) What is your role as a counselor in marriage therapy?

As your therapist, I take a direct role in marriage counseling.  I am not there just to listen; I am there to listen and provide direction, reflection, and clarification.  I will be an active participant in your sessions, which involves listening, interrupting, mediating, clarifying, confronting, and providing direction for the session.  

7) There are things that I need to address in counseling, but I don’t want my spouse to know just yet what the specifics are.  Will you keep it confidential, or will you tell him/her?

Since we are working on the marriage, confidentiality belongs primarily to the marriage rather than solely to the individual.  This “no secrets” policy is intended to allow me to continue to treat the couple by preventing, to the extent possible, a conflict of interest to arise where an individual’s interests may not be consistent with the interests of the unit being treated. For instance, information learned in the course of an individual session may be relevant or even essential to the proper treatment of the couple. If I am not free to exercise my clinical judgment regarding the need to bring this information to the family or the couple during their therapy, I might be placed in a situation where I will have to terminate treatment of the couple. This policy is intended to prevent the need for such a termination.

8) My spouse is controlling and can be dominating in conversation; I’m concerned that you won’t get to hear my side of things.  How can I be sure you’ll hear my side?

Many times in counseling it is not uncommon for one spouse to be more verbal and/or “dominating” in a session.  It is my responsibility as your therapist to make sure that I hear from both of you.  I will interrupt you both from time to time, in order to make sure both of you are being heard and are able to communicate your concerns. 

9) What Happens If We Fight During The Session?

When you work with me, I won’t let you fight in my sessions. I put all of my effort into tuning in and truly listening to both of you. At the same time however, I want to keep you safe and us on track, so I will take an active stand and interrupt you if needed. I help you stay away from the content issues so that we can focus on the emotions that fuel your repetitive arguments, frustration, and alienation.

10) What can we expect our first session to be like?

In a first session my goal is to understand what brings you in for counseling and to decide with you on a plan of action.  In the session, we will discuss some basic counseling “rules” like confidentiality, session times, goals, previous marriage counseling experiences, etc.  I will ask you both to explain what concerns/problems you want to address as we meet together.  

After I have heard from both of you, we will make a plan for counseling, including the frequency of sessions and whether or not individual counseling is necessary.  At the end of the session, I will give you some specific feedback regarding your concerns and my thoughts on how we can achieve the progress you desire.

11) How Often Should We Come To Therapy?

Frequency of your therapy sessions is in your hands. However, especially at the beginning of treatment, I recommend that couples come in weekly for at least 8 – 10 sessions. By doing so, we are able to “catch the momentum” and dive more quickly into the issues that cause the most distress in your relationship. Later on, depending on how much support you need, we can see each other every other week or even once a month.

12) How often will we meet and how long can I expect marriage counseling to last?

We will schedule an initial intake session so that we can get to know each other and determine if we both feel that I am the right person for you to work with. If so, we would then schedule 2-3 additional sessions to identify the issues treatment would need to address and determine what type of treatment is indicated.

The length of treatment will depend on you, your spouse, and the issues you are dealing with in your marriage. I usually recommend weekly sessions, and although I do agree to meet with couples less regularly, this can extend the length of the overall counseling process.

more on eft:

EFT COUNSELING CAN ALSO HELP WITH:

A Break In Trust

Maybe it started as a white lie that grew out of control, or perhaps it was something more serious like infidelity.  Regardless of the reason a violation of trust in a relationship can push any couple to the edge.  Couples counseling can help you work through the violation and begin to restore your trust.

A Life Changing Transition

Transitions, planned or unplanned, can really rock the boat in what had previously been a smooth sailing relationship.  Having a baby, buying a house, losing a job, or suddenly having to take care of a family member can apply a tremendous amount of stress to even the most stable relationship.  In therapy you will learn ways to change your interactions and work through the transition together instead of letting the stress control the situation.

Raising a Family

Raising a family can be equal parts rewarding and frustrating.  Often couples have differing views on discipline, schooling, diet, wardrobe and expectations.  A couple that struggles with effective communication, or uses avoidance to deal with problems may find this frustration to be overwhelming and take it out on each other.  A couples counselor can give you the tools you need to deal with the frustrations while focusing on the rewards.  

Disconnect

Has the passion disappeared from your relationship?  Is there a lack of intimacy?  Do you feel disconnected and that you're growing further apart?  As a therapist I often hear these concerns from couples.  You may feel stuck in a rut and not sure what Rto do next.  Couples therapy can help you break that negative cycle, change your perspective and start getting enjoyment out of your relationship again.

Couples Therapy: Myths and Reality BY Dr. jampol

Maintaining a positive, supportive relationship with one’s partner in the face of expected and unusual life stress is one of the biggest challenges many couples face.  Not uncommonly, instead of pulling together to face life’s difficulties, partners become disengaged or even hostile. The person you expect to always have your back begins to feel like the enemy. And sometimes it feels like the harder you try to fix the problem, the worse things get.

The good news is that a well-trained couples therapist can help most relationships that have hit a rough patch. According to recent studies, 90% of couples who see a well-trained Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist experience improvement and 70% report full repair of their relationship.

But here’s the bad news: many couples that could benefit from this therapy are reluctant to get help. Unfounded beliefs and misconceptions get in the way.

Here is the truth about six common misconceptions:

1. The therapist will take sides.

With some therapists, this in fact may happen. But an Emotionally Focused Couples (EFT) Therapist is trained to recognize how both partners contribute to their dance of anger or disconnection. Successful therapy invariably requires each partner to understand his or her role in the couple’s distress.

2. The therapist will tell us we should break up. 

Again, there are probably some therapists who would make this judgment, but the role of an EFT Therapist is to help couples understand how their relationship has gone wrong and to guide them – for as long as they are willing to try – in how to repair it. The decision of whether to stay in a relationship always belongs to the couple.

3. We are too far gone; the situation is hopeless.

Many couples worry that their problems have gone on so long, there is no hope of improving their relationship. But even long-standing problems can be resolved with EFT therapy. The intensity of anger also does not necessarily indicate that a relationship can’t be improved. The only clear sign that EFT therapy won’t help is if one or both partners have become so disengaged they are no longer willing to try.

4. Talking about our problems will make things worse.

Many couples have experienced that their own attempts to talk about their problems have made things worse, so this concern is understandable. They may even have had previous experiences in therapy where talking did make things worse. However, an EFT Therapist is trained to create a safe space where problems can be discussed productively. In many cases, the therapist will be able to help partners see each other’s struggles in new ways that open the door to healing and reconciliation.

5. Couples therapy is a waste of time and does not work.

Many therapists who see couples aren’t trained in an effective model of couples therapy, and there is probably a significant risk that these therapists will not be helpful. However, EFT has years of research demonstrating its effectiveness in helping couples improve their relationships, and follow-up studies show these improvements are long lasting. EFT is one of a handful of couples therapies designated as empirically supported by the American Psychological Association. A therapist trained in EFT is guided by a roadmap that has one of the strongest track records in helping distressed couples.

6. We (or he or she) need individual therapy first. 

A growing body of evidence suggests that successful couples therapy can actually reduce an individual’s symptoms of depression, anxiety, posttraumatic stress, and other psychological disorders. At the very least, a stronger, more supportive relationship will reduce the suffering both partners experience when one partner is struggling with a psychological disorder. Couples therapy may not be the only treatment needed when a partner has significant psychological symptoms, but when the relationship has suffered, it is often the best place to start.

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